Feeling Lost...

I am absolutely livid! I am so incensed I could spit kittens! This is problematic first as Alex would never forgive me and second, I have the distinct impression that heaving kittens up one’s esophagus would be a fairly painful procedure. That aside, at 7:30 this morning we got a call from the doctor’s office stating that Dr. He-We-Do-Not-Speak-Of is out sick and could we possibly reschedule? Out sick!? I have the sneaking suspicion were his illness to be scrutinized he’d be diagnosed with acute Oh-My-God-I-Have-To-Work-On-A-Holiday Syndrome which considering his past behavior would not in any way surprise me. This is I admit flagrantly unfair of me to assume. I don’t actually know the man and have only talked with him a couple times but the egocentric turn of my thoughts refuses to allow for the notion that he probably hasn’t done this simply to hurt or distress both me and my family.

Two bloody weeks we’ve been waiting! Two, that’s two hands and four fingers as my kindergartners would have said – and those who know me understand that if I’m quoting my kindergartners, I’m ready to dismember something or someone molecule by molecule! Two weeks of wondering if we’ll finally have answers. Two weeks of emotional agony! Two weeks of hoping that this whole fracas will finally end! How can he do this?

All I want is answers - what an outrageously sweeping turn of phrase and utterly inaccurate. I don’t just want any answers, I want the answer. The one that starts with Tom is fine and ends with our lives returning to normal but deep in my heart I know that life is not always so kind nor features such Disney-esque endings. The world doesn’t stop turning because I dig in my heels and scream to the cosmos “Stop! – You can’t keep turning until everything is perfect!” Not that I am even remotely qualified to adjudicate any world for perfection being so far removed from perfection myself that the very concept is laughable at best.

So we wait. Something we’ve become good at, if accepting about. We wait to hear if another appointment can be scheduled. We wait wondering if this man has even considered what his cancellation has done to us – and I hope he has – I cannot conceive of anyone being absolutely cruel. We wait until we can find something better, something more hopeful and something that preferably (at least at the moment) involves obscene amounts of chocolate on a brownie-like base.

Update: It’s been a couple hours and all we’re learned is that Tom is being medicated without any medical tests to back up the diagnosis; we only have enough pills to last another 24 hours and if he stops taking them he might have another seizure because his body depends on them now; we’ve been promised to see another doctor but we’re getting the run around about who and when; and no one seems to want to take the blame for the situation. I don’t even have words for what I’m feeling right now. I want to explode, I want to cry, I want to scream but nothing I can do will make the situation better. It’s a horrible feeling depending on a doctor’s office that you know could care less about you. We tried to call for another doctor but every other doctor requires a referral which no one will give us. So, we’re waiting. This time they told us it would be an hour and someone will call back. I have no idea if this is a truth or another attempt at hoping we’ll get so frustrated we won’t bother calling them back to complain. I just don’t know…